Is It Catching? What To Say To Your Child When a Parent or Sibling Has a Drinking Problem
When your child comes up to you and asks if another family member’s drinking problem is catching, do you know what to say? Maybe it’s your spouse that is always drunk – or can’t seem to control his or her temper after drinking. Maybe it’s your older son or daughter that has succumbed to peer pressure and now drinks on a regular basis. While this is not a situation any parent wants to deal with, it occurs frequently enough that you should have some idea what to do and say next.
Offer Reassurance
What your child is really looking for from you, as a parent, is reassurance that what’s happening to the other parent or an older sibling isn’t going to happen to him (or her) as well. Seeing someone out of control from alcohol abuse is scary stuff – especially to very young children. And when it happens in your own home, it is more than just frightening. It could lead to physical abuse on the part of the alcohol abuser.
Best advice is to give your child a hug and a kiss and assure him or her that under no circumstances is Mommy’s or Daddy’s (or big brother’s or sister’s) drinking going to make you sick, too. Depending on the age of your child, you could say more, but it’s probably best to be reassuring at this point more than educational. Later on there will be time to go into more specifics about what alcohol does to the human body, and the long-lasting damage that can result from drinking too much and too often.
But suppose that the revelation that one of your children is abusing alcohol comes as a surprise to you? What if your spouse is the one who’s consistenly drinking and you’ve been trying to hide it? You need to do more than just offer reassurance to your younger child who’s worried about drinking being catching.
Listen to Your Child’s Concerns
It’s also important that you listen closely to your child’s concerns about someone else in the family and a problem with drinking. You can’t show impatience or chide your child about what emotions he or she feels. Numerous studies have shown that children who feel comfortable talking with their parents are more likely to come to them whenever there’s a problem. And, if you establish this type of open and trusting relationship early enough, you’ll be in a good position to talk about the subject of alcohol when it comes up.
Ensure Your Child’s Safety
If the situation is such that your older son or daughter has begun drinking, it’s better that you know about it now. Teens, especially those who first start drinking before the age of 15 are much more likely to experience problems with alcohol as an adult than those who delay drinking until they reach age 21. The Federal Trade Commission (http://www.ftc.gov/opa/2010/09/dontserveteens.shtm), in launching a 2010 consumer education program, “We Don’t Serve Teens,” notes that while parents of middle-school children might think it’s too early to worry about underage drinking, the statistics are pretty sobering. About 10 percent of 12-year olds say they’ve already tried alcohol. By age 15, that number jumps to 50 percent.
And teenagers are very adept at concealing their alcohol and drug use – so don’t beat yourself up over the fact that you didn’t know your son or daughter had begun to drink.
You do, however, need to ensure your younger child’s (or childrens’) safety from whomever it is in the family that’s drinking too much. That includes, of course, your spouse who consistently drinks – and may require treatment to overcome a serious problem.
As gently as you can, ask your younger child if he or she has ever been hurt by the person who drinks too much. Do you notice, or do you recall seeing, any unexplained bruises, cuts or scratches on your young child? Is your youngster exhibiting any noticeable signs of fear being around one or more family members? Is he or she withdrawing, less outgoing or cheerful than usual, spending more time away from the home, or having trouble in school? Any of these are signs that something is wrong, and, while it may not have anything to do with the other parent or another sibling drinking too much, is that a chance you want to take?
If there are signs of abuse, you need to take action. If you suspect, but can’t be sure, that your spouse or other child has been hurting your younger child, take steps to make sure the youngster isn’t left alone with that individual while you are away.
If the drinking person is your older child, and you have a spouse that resides with you, together you need to discuss how best to get your child with the drinking problem help. This isn’t an easy discussion to have, and it will probably seem like a nightmare at first, but you absolutely have to do everything you can to help ensure the safety of your younger child (or children).
Share Age-Appropriate Information
Young children, especially those under the age of five, ask a lot of questions. Even when the younger child is an adolescent, or pre-teen, questions are the name of the game. Naturally, you shouldn’t expect yourself to have all the answers when the subject is alcohol and the dangers of drinking too much. Instead of worrying needlessly, go to the experts.
Check out sources such as the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA), the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), drugabuse.org, and other organizations, all of which have online resources that can provide a great deal of information you can use to talk with and share with your child.
Just be sure that what you download or order is age-appropriate material. If not, absorb as much of it as you can and use your own words to talk with your child in a way that’s more readily understandable.
These kinds of conversations shouldn’t be a one-time only interaction. Start by giving simple facts – along with the aforementioned reassurance – and give more information as your child asks questions, comes to you with a problem, or seems ready for a more in-depth discussion on the subject.
One of the principal reasons for parental sharing of information about the risks and consequences of alcohol abuse is that children look up to their parents and model their behavior after what they see. If both parents are united in their disapproval of underage drinking, children are much more likely to refrain from drinking until they are older.
Even if one of the parents or another sibling does drink, sharing such information with your younger child may just prevent him or her from starting to drink in the first place. Of course, you’ll have to do your part – either as both parents united, or as one parent dealing with the issue as best you can.
Talk Early, Talk Often
Advice from the Federal Trade Commission and others is worth repeating here. Talk early, talk often, and get others involved. Check out the “We Don’t Serve Teens” website (http://www.dontserveteens.gov/) for more information.
Talk Early – Children who drink are often involved in other risky behavior. As mentioned already, the reason most children don’t drink is that they know their parents disapprove of it. The earlier you begin to have conversations with your children about the dangers and risks associated with underage drinking, the greater your chance of influencing their decisions about alcohol.
Talk Often – According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), a single conversation is not enough to give your children the information and guidance they need about alcohol. HHS recommends talking to your children about alcohol regularly, since statistics show that parents who do have children that are less likely to drink. Anytime can be a good time to dispense a bit of information or have a brief discussion about alcohol – in the car, during mealtime, when you’re watching a program on TV where someone is abusing alcohol – all can serve as an intro to a meaningful conversation.
Get Others Involved – If one of your children is drinking, you know he or she isn’t buying the liquor. Older siblings, friends and family members are the usual sources. Your child that’s drinking is also very likely raiding your liquor cabinet, filching beer from the refrigerator or pantry, or stealing alcohol from parties or the homes of their friends’ parents. Here’s how to get others involved. Let everyone know that you don’t want your children to have access to alcohol. You also need to make it very clear to your children that any alcohol in your home is off-limits to them. Better yet, don’t keep any alcohol in the home or lock it up if you do.
What About Alcohol Ads?
There is something you can do about the proliferation of alcohol ads – with respect to what you say to your children about them. Whenever you and your child are watching TV and an ad for beer or wine or hard spirits comes on, instead of switching the channel, use it as a teachable moment. You can talk about advertising in general, and advertising about alcohol in particular.
This may be more conducive to conversations with teens about alcohol, but you can encourage your child to be smarter about separating advertising hype from facts about alcohol. For example, when you see a group of people hanging out at a party and everyone has a beer or a drink in their hands, the message appears to be that you can’t have fun without drinking. That’s a fallacy, and a common advertising hook to promote the product.
Learn how to read between the lines and become a more media-literate consumer.
Stop Easy Teen Access to Alcohol
Just how can you safeguard your home and prevent your children (adolescents and teens) from having access to alcohol? Here are some suggestions.
- Keep track of your alcohol. If teens don’t have access to it, they can’t consume it readily – at least, not in your home.
- Never, ever serve alcohol to your children, not teens, and certainly not adolescents. It’s illegal, irresponsible, and very unsafe.
- Make sure your children know that drinking under the age of 21 is illegal – and that drinking can cause serious health and safety consequences to the person that drinks, and legal consequences to the person who provides alcohol to underage children.
- Help teens learn how to say no. The NIAAA offers the following as recommended statements your teens can make when someone encourages them to drink:
- “No thanks.”
- “I just don’t feel like it. Do you have any soda?”
- “Back off.”
- “I feel like you’re pressuring me. I already said no, so leave it at that.”
- “Alcohol just isn’t my thing.”
- “Are you talking to me? Forget it, I’m not drinking.”
- Take steps in your community. Spread the word that you don’t want other people serving alcohol to your teens or condone teen drinking.
- Talk to the parents of your child’s friends. Let them know that teen drinking poses unacceptable risks and that you do not want or expect anyone to allow your teen to drink alcohol.
- Talk to adults who host teen parties. Let them know that 86 percent of parents support the legal drinking age of 21 and 96 percent of adults say it’s not okay to serve alcohol to someone else’s teen. Encourage adults not to turn a blind eye to teenage drinking.
- Talk with school officials, coaches, and teachers and let them know that it’s irresponsible, unsafe, and illegal to condone teen drinking. Ask them to discourage this type of teen activity.
- Talk with the management at town halls, restaurants, bowling alleys, skating rinks and other venues where teen parties are held. Inform the management that you and the other parents in your community do not want teens having access to alcohol.
- Talk with store owners and let them know you don’t mind waiting while the proprietor checks ID before selling alcohol. Limiting alcohol sales only to those legally able to purchase it is an activity that’s worthwhile.
- Also, let local law enforcement know that you’re okay with them policing noisy teen parties. When there’s an out-of-control party where teens are present, the chances are pretty good that alcohol is being consumed on the premises. Let the police know that you will call if there’s a noisy teen party in the neighborhood and you want them to check it out.
Action Checklist for Parents
The NIAAA offers the following action checklist (http://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/OtherAlcoholInformation/makeDifference.aspx) for parents to help prevent underage drinking.
- Establish a loving, trusting relationship with your child.
- Make it easy for your teen to talk honestly with you.
- Talk with your child about alcohol facts, reasons not to drink, and ways to avoid drinking in difficult situations.
- Keep tabs on your young teen’s activities, and join with other parents in making common policies about teen alcohol use.
- Develop family rules about teen drinking and establish consequences.
- Set a good example regarding your own alcohol use and your response to teen drinking.
- Encourage your child to develop healthy friendships and fun alternatives to drinking.
- Know whether your child is at high risk for a drinking problem. If so, take steps to lessen that risk.
- Know the warning signs of a teen drinking problem and act promptly to get help for your child.
- Believe in your own power to help your child avoid alcohol use.
Also see “Make a Difference: Talk With Your Child About Alcohol” (http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/children.pdf), another useful publication for parents from the NIAAA.
Bottom line: When your young child comes to you worried that he or she might catch the drinking problem of your spouse or another sibling, you need to take action right away. Don’t be afraid to get help for the person with the drinking problem, either. For a list of alcohol and drug treatment facilities, check out the Treatment Facility Locator (http://dasis3.samhsa.gov/) maintained by SAMHSA, or call their toll-free treatment referral helpline at 1-800-662-HELP. There are treatment programs available for adolescents, teens, and men and women of all ages, backgrounds, special groups and languages.
