Stop Passing Your Bad Habits on to Your Kids
It's been a long day, your boss stressed you out at work, drivers were acting crazy on the way home, and you don't have a clue what to make for the family's dinner. As soon as you hit the doorway, you light up a cigarette and pour yourself a drink. Not so fast. While it may seem stress-releasing to you, your children may be picking up the signals you're sending that it's okay to smoke and drink. It's time to stop passing your bad habits on to your kids. Here are some thoughts on the matter that you may find helpful.
Little Things Count a Lot
You might think that a simple cigarette and a beer or glass of wine are perfectly fine - and that may be true. In moderation, there's nothing wrong with a glass of wine now and then. Smoking, on the other hand, is just plain bad for your health - anybody's health. So, a little recognition of medical reality is in order. Even so, if you only smoke and drink occasionally, you still may think that you're in the clear. One thing you may not be taking into consideration, however, is how much of an impact such small details make on impressionable young minds.
When you're a kid, you take in a lot more than adults give you credit for. You observe in minute detail all the behaviors-good and bad - that your parents display in front of you. You don't even know that it's good or bad, just that it is. Often, as young children witness one or both parents or other family members smoking and drinking, they try to emulate the behavior. Who hasn't seen a toddler reach for the cigarette burning in the ashtray or picked up a drink left on a coffee table and put it to his or her lips?
If adults present make cutesy sounds and appear to approve of the toddler's actions, this is reinforced as okay behavior in the minds of the young child. This is even before the child is able to verbalize words. So, little things count a lot. The younger the child, the more impressionable they are. Stop passing your bad habits on to your kids by thinking ahead of time how your actions will be viewed - and imprinted - on their minds.
Exercise a Little Discipline
Maybe you do have a habit, a long-standing one at that. You can't get through the day without a half a pack or more of smokes and you can't end the day without your toddy or two. As parents, however, you owe it to your children - if not yourself - to learn to exercise a little discipline.
What harm will it do for you to go outside, out of sight of your children, to have your smoke? Better yet, can you get yourself involved in a quit smoking program? Your overall health, and that of your children, will be the better for it. You can undo years of smoking by being abstinent for a year. It's a proven medical fact.
But, let's say that you don't have that much desire at the present time to quit smoking cold turkey. At least aim to cut down - and cut out smoking in front of your children. This includes your teenage sons and daughters as well. If you're trying to quit, let them know that this is something that's very important to you and although it's tough, you intend to do everything you can to quit.
The same things can be said for drinking. Although you may think that that drink is absolutely the only thing that will calm you down after a hard day's work or fighting traffic or an argument with your spouse, it really won't. And the more you rely on a drink to steady your nerves or blot out reality, the more ingrained the habit becomes.
It's also making an indelible impression on your kids.
Exercise discipline and make it a practice not to drink or smoke in front of your children (of any age) - period. This will go a long way toward your effort to stop passing your bad habits on to your kids.
Stop Rationalizing your Behavior
One of the hurdles you'll undoubtedly encounter in your attempts to cut down or cut out smoking and/or drinking - in front of your kids or in general - is the intricate series of rationalizations you've come to accept as true. You may really believe that you can't help yourself, or that your drinking and smoking is minimal and not harming anyone, or that you deserve to do what you want when you want to.
All these are simply your mind playing tricks on you. It's your bad habit talking to you, telling you that it's okay to drink and smoke. After all, you're the adult. You can do what you want.
When you have these thoughts - and they're very common - don't fall for them. If you've set yourself a goal to cut down or cut out smoking and drinking, especially in front of your children, it's time that you do something to stop rationalizing your behavior. This may take some outside help, since we're not all the best judge of what we should do and how - even if we know we should.
Use Coping Strategies that Work
Although you may not have a problem with drinking and/or smoking, you definitely want to pass on healthy behaviors to your children instead of unhealthy ones. Attempting to curb your desire to smoke or drink may be easier if you employ coping strategies that have proven effective for many others.
Distraction is a good one to start with. When you have the urge or craving to smoke or drink, try doing something that distracts you for a period of 20 to 30 minutes. Cravings and urges usually will pass in 15 to 20 minutes, so using a half hour as a guideline, if you can occupy your mind and/or your body in something that's a healthy pursuit, you're likely to pass the time without succumbing to the craving.
What kinds of things can you do to distract yourself? There are many suggestions, including counting or numerical puzzles, games, or balancing checkbooks. Also try rearranging closets, bookshelves, basement, garage or attic areas. Some people find that immersing themselves in a hobby or cooking works best. You can see the line of thinking here. If it's something that is either repetitive (counting, rearranging) or creative (cooking, hobby), it involves using various parts of your brain. When your brain is thus engaged in healthy pursuits, it lessens the craving that may otherwise prove to be hard to resist.
Get Out of the House
People in recovery know that it's not a good idea to remain isolated and alone at home when they have cravings and urges. Although you may not be a recovering addict or even have a serious problem with drugs or alcohol, when you find yourself wanting to drink or smoke or engage in other bad habits in front of your kids, a coping mechanism that works for those in recovery may work for you: get out of the house and be with people.
You can take the kids to a movie or to the park or beach or on a hike. You could go with them to church, to visit family or friends. Go to an amusement park, circus, or a game or event at your children's school.
Having a purpose and a destination helps motivate you to take positive action. You're less likely to indulge in your bad habit in places where it's not acceptable. That is, you won't smoke at school or church or in the theater - or drink, either. While it doesn't last forever, the time that you are out of the house doing other things is time that you're not spending drinking or smoking (or both).
And the more time that you're doing constructive activities with your children, the better the example you're setting. There's a nice symmetry to it as well.
Clean Out Supplies
Of course, it's easier to keep your promise (to yourself and your family) to not smoke or drink if you make sure there aren't any supplies of tobacco products or alcohol in the house (and car, garage, basement, attic, shed, and so on). The only way to know for sure is to go through each of these locations and get rid of any cartons, packs, six-packs, liquor bottles in the cabinet, freezer, refrigerator or on shelves somewhere.
In fact, there should be no liquor anywhere in the house that's not under lock and key if you have small children or teenagers. Small children will experiment with just about anything they can get their hands on. Teenagers are, well, curious, prone to take chances, and often seek to demonstrate their independence and be part of the gang by raiding parents' liquor supply.
Once you've rid the house and environs of the cigarettes and alcohol (and, of course, any drugs as well), keep them out. Speaking of drugs, don't forget prescription drugs. These should also be locked away so that they're not available to children or teens to take either by accident or on purpose. Nonmedical use of prescription drugs is a growing problem among teens.
Have a Talk with your Kids
Discuss your intentions first with your spouse and then with your children. Depending on the ages of your children, you will need to modify what you say and when. Open and honest communication when your children are young and carrying through their teenage years is the best way to ensure they develop healthy behavior and mature into responsible adults.
If you are having difficulty quitting smoking, for example, it's crucial that you discuss the matter with your children, emphasize your intention and efforts to quit, and ask for their understanding and support. You'd be amazed at how much children can help their parents' stated intentions to quit smoking and drinking.
Children have been known to pour their parents' drinks down the sink, to spirit away cigarette packs and toss them in the garbage, to remind parents that smoking (and drinking) is bad for their health. In some ways, they are parroting what they've heard their parents say, or heard and saw on TV. This is a good thing. It means that the message has gotten through.
If you're trying in earnest and still having difficulty, tell your children that you may need more help to quit. Go online and research aids to quitting smoking, or check out tips on how to cut down on drinking. Go to the library and borrow books or pamphlets on the subject. Talk with your doctor. Join a quit smoking group. If necessary, use a quit smoking patch or gum product to help you safely and slowly cut down.
Your family is your best support network. Be candid and loving with them about your desire to quit smoking and drinking, and then do what you need to in order to stick to your resolve.
It's Never Too Late to Quit
Sometimes we delude ourselves into thinking that we're too old to quit. We've been smoking and drinking most of our adult lives, and it's really too late now. That's a fallacy. It's never too late to quit. Even die-hard multi-pack-a-day smokers can reverse damage to their lungs within a year of quitting. Drinking alcohol, while not excessively, can still cause damage to bodily organs in addition to having negative effects on motor reflexes, judgement, memory, and concentration. When you stop putting alcohol into your system, you're giving your body time to heal.
So, anytime is a good time to quit smoking or drinking. While you should do this for your overall health, you'll also be doing something extraordinarily helpful for your kids: you'll be stopping the passing of your bad habits on to them.
Resources
There are several websites that have resources and links that may prove helpful in your desire to quit smoking or drinking. Check them out and, above all, don't give up. You can learn how to change your behavior. It does take time and determination - and the support of your family and others. Check out the Directory of Mental Health Resources Page on
for resources on quitting smoking.
